The 4/10 moment

My girlfriend once asked me, what if people say you look better than me?

The blog below is my response to her and every person who might have to make a judgement on one’s physical attributes.

Until I was about 21 years old, I used to be very skinny. While nobody directly took a swipe at me by labelling me, I could sense it. Whenever I met my relatives / family friends, they would tell me how skinny I was. I would see some of my other classmates who had good physical attributes and would have multiple female friends. I will be honest. Like any other teenager, I also wanted that. I would compare myself with them and wonder when would my body be the way I wanted it to look like.

When I was 18, I was in University. I was living at home so I would travel for lectures to the campus. Every week, I would stay over at the hostel with a good friend of mine.

One random night, he asked me how much would I rate myself out of 10 based on my physical attributes. Before I could give an answer he said maybe a 4 or a 5?

I don’t remember the rest of the conversation but that question is something that has stuck with me. I am sure he had no intention of malice in there. But that incident hit me. I felt bad. I always had some self-confidence but that night got me questioning.

I was sure as hell not willing to settle for a 4. At least, in my head I was certain. I would do whatever it took to not be a 4 anymore. While I was already working on getting myself in shape, I really took it as a life mission. Over the next 3 years I spent a lot of time in the gym. If I had exams, I went to the gym. If I was hungover, I would still go to the gym. If I was on a vacation, I still wanted to do a push up.

And the results came. They came gradually but they came. I don’t think anybody could rate me a 4 again. The same relatives who once called me skinny stopped doing that and were in awe with the transformation. That’s the drawback with us humans. We judge things and people without context. We are very quick to label someone as beautiful or ugly, skinny or fat, hot or not hot.

You know what? I have been guilty of this as well. I still am. On most occasions when me and possibly you scroll through our Instagram, Facebook or Tinder feeds; we label the person in the photo in our heads.

When such thoughts come to my head, I pause and tell myself and say that’s wrong. I am essentially calling someone a 4/10 or a 10/10 based on what I see in a picture.

And its not just online, we do it in the offline world as well.

Recently, a friend of mine enrolled for a language course and he met a girl there who was new to the city. He invited her to meet me and a few other friends so that she could expand her social circle. That was really kind of my friend to do so.

We met her one evening. She seemed like a very nice person. She spoke to everyone. She was kind. Even when some of us got busy discussing stories she could not relate to, she tried to be engaged.

The following day, I was talking to my friend (who enrolled into the language course) and another friend about this girl. Both of them mutually agreed that they would not try to date the girl as she was nice but not the most attractive. The word ugly was thrown around once or twice albeit not with the wrong intentions.

I somehow related to that girl. She had essentially been rated a 4 out of 10 by my friends. The only difference was that she was not aware of it.

And I can say it without a shadow of doubt that if she really wants to, she can become a 10 / 10. In today’s age, there are so many options. I know of people fixing their jaw line to get ready for their wedding, people getting hair transplants and people fixing their faces via a surgery. Of course, they can always work out and get into the best possible shape.

Our definition of a 10 / 10 is made up based on what we see in movies. But with the things I mentioned above, it’s not that hard to become a 10. The funny part is that even if a person is a 10/10, you might not get along with them.

On the other hand, if you get along with a person that might not be a 10/10; you can work always towards becoming a 10/10.

So I do not really agree with the idea of really deciding whom to date by judging them on their physical appearance.

Of course physical attraction is important. And if it’s very important to you, then you must tell your partner about it. The conversation might not be pleasant but its in the best interest of the relationship that both people know it. It’s not impossible to improve your physical attributes. And if your partner really loves you, they will take in the right sense and work on themselves. At least that’s what I think. And you can help by lending your partner a helping hand. Have that difficult conversation. Help them get from a 4 to a 10 and enjoy that journey with them.

P.S. the journey does not stop when you become a 10 right?

One also has to maintain that 10 otherwise you are taking your partner for granted. Physical attraction is an important part of a relationship. Just because your partner got attracted to you 10 years ago does not mean that they will stay attracted to you forever? You have to keep working on yourself.

Physical appearances are gonna change. Someday you will become fat and then someday you will become thin. You will have grey hair and then you will become bald. It’s a constant journey. I believe we should talk to our partners and be the 10/10 that they desire. The good thing is that this definition of 10 changes as we age.

Tony Robbins says it brilliantly in his talk here. Marketing and Innovation are probably the two most important functions in any business and any relationship. You gotta constantly market yourself (by being a 10/10 for your consumer) and innovate (as the definition of a 10/10 will change over time).

To cut the story short -

My girlfriend came into my life as a friend when I was probably a 4 / 10 and she decided to be my friend anyway. But she never made me feel that I was 4/10. And that’s the thing I will always remember.

Over the years, as I have tried to be improve from that score, she has been there in the whole journey.

And if a day ever comes when either of us feel that we are not marketing ourselves well, I hope we will talk about it and help each other be the 10/10 that we desire.

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At the end of the day, all we own are our stories. They deserve to be narrated as a best-seller. So here I am sharing thoughts from a millennials perspective!

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millennialcitizensoftheworld

millennialcitizensoftheworld

At the end of the day, all we own are our stories. They deserve to be narrated as a best-seller. So here I am sharing thoughts from a millennials perspective!

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